


Law of Averages

by bitboozy



Series: Domesticated [45]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Gen, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:07:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24654319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitboozy/pseuds/bitboozy
Summary: Alec and Ellie go on a double date with Beth and her new boyfriend while dealing with an uncertainty that could change their lives.
Relationships: Alec Hardy & Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller
Series: Domesticated [45]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550554
Comments: 74
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

It’s Alec’s favourite position. To be sitting upright with her straddling his lap. Not only is it about as intimate as sex can get, it also allows him to get deep into her.

His eyes are open though hers are closed and he kisses her eyelids as he holds her close, a hand buried in her hair. His other hand has a tight grip on her arse, controlling their speed. She has a tendency to speed up quicker than he’d like. The slow, decadent thrusts are what he likes best. She gets impatient.

She starts eliciting desperate little whimpers. She wants to come but he’s not ready for that yet.

“Hold on, baby,” he whispers in her ear.

She drops her head onto his shoulder exasperatedly. Her hands are at his neck and for a second he thinks she might try to choke him in frustration but that’s not her style.

“I need to,” she complains.

He lifts her head so he can kiss her, slow and deep, lingering as long as she’ll let him. Then he finally reaches between them and finds her clit, pushing her over. She cries out loudly, though the sound is muffled by his shoulder, and he follows her, biting her into her neck. They stay in each other’s arms though their limbs have gone weak on them.

“Oh god that was good,” Ellie exhales happily.

He sucks on her collarbone and grunts his agreement.

And then they are both wildly startled by a tiny voice by the door – which, it seems, is _open_.

“Are you done?!”

Alec and Ellie both mutter obscenities under their breath as she climbs off him, both of them pulling the sheets up quickly.

“Fred, love, what are you doing?!” Ellie asks breathlessly.

“Need some water.” He rubs his eyes.

They both take a beat to process this, then Alec starts to get out of bed.

“I thought you locked the door,” she hisses.

“I thought _you_ did.” Alec sits at the edge of the bed. “Fred, go on, I’ll catch up.”

Fred sleepily trudges out of the room again as Alec pulls on his boxers.

“When are we going to get better at this?!” Ellie whines, sinking down into the mattress.

“When we stop shaggin’ so bloody much,” he retorts. “The law of averages is really against us.”

Fred waits for him at the top of the stairs and takes his hand as they go down together.

“Were you doing sex?”

“Uh. Yeah, mate.”

Fred rubs his eyes. “But I thought the boy has to be on top of the girl.”

“Uh, nope,” Alec replies, swallowing hard. “There are lots of ways.”

He and Ellie are mostly grateful that the idea and the sight of sex do not seem to faze Fred. They want him to grow up with a healthy attitude toward sex and intimacy, to be free of shame or embarrassment. But sometimes his curiosity is a bit too much for a boy of only six years.

“Which is the _best_ way?” Fred asks, just as Alec hands him a cup of water.

“There’s no best way.”

Fred gulps and gulps until the cup is empty. “Which way gets you a baby?” He hands the cup back to Alec.

“Uh, any way. Any way can get you a baby.”

Fred takes his hand again as they head back upstairs. “Do you like it better when Mumma is on the top?”

Alec hesitates. “Listen, lad, you know there’s nothing bad about sex and it’s okay to talk about it,” he says. “But there are some things you don’t need to know about quite yet, all right? You’ll learn more as you get older.”

Fred is too sleepy to argue. “Okay, Daddy.”

By the time Alec returns to bed, Ellie is asleep. He crawls back into bed next to her and she instinctively curls up to him.

“Fred asleep?” She murmurs, throwing her arm across his waist.

“Stayed with him until he dropped off again,” he replies.

She yawns. “How long was he at the door?”

Alec pulls the duvet up around them both. “Long enough to ask whether I like it better on the top or the bottom.”

Ellie’s eyes pop open. “Gonna have to revisit this, aren’t we?”

“Probably. Or he’ll forget all about it, he _was_ practically sleep-walkin’.”

She sighs and Alec turns off the lamp.

*

Fred doesn’t say a thing about it in the morning. Alec, who is on breakfast duty while Ellie showers, tiptoes around him just in case, terrified that anything he says might trigger in Fred a memory of last night. But nothing seems to deter him from his preferred conversation topic, Aquaman.

“Can I bring Spiderman to Ryan’s after school too?” He asks, looking at his superhero figurines on the table. “He’s best friends with Aquaman so they have to go together.”

Tom groans loudly, scowling as he shoves oatmeal into his mouth. Alec raises an amused eyebrow at him. Fred doesn’t seem to notice.

“Spiderman and Aquaman don’t live in the same _universe_ , Fred,” Tom complains. “They can’t be best friends.”

“Yes huh,” Fred replies. “Superman and Captain America smooshed the two worlds together and now they all live in one world!”

“They _can’t_ all live in one world!” Tom drops his spoon in his bowl in frustration. “Marvel and DC cannot coexist.”

Fred sits his Aquaman and his Spiderman next to his cereal bowl. “We’re s’posed to treat everyone the same no matter where they’re from. If you don’t it’s called _prejudiceded._ ”

Tom groans again and brings his bowl to the sink. Alec finds himself wishing Fred would go back to obsessing over _Star Wars_ instead. This led to much less civil war in his own home.

When Ellie doesn’t make it down for breakfast at all, Alec scoops up Aila and heads upstairs to investigate. He finds her in the loo, on her knees in front of the toilet bowl, still in her towel.

“Good lord,” he says, announcing his presence. “Feelin’ poorly I take it.”

“Ugh.” Ellie flushes the toilet and leans back against the wall.

“Yayayayaya,” Aila says, chewing on her hand.

“Have you got a fever?” He asks, frowning.

Ellie painstakingly gets to her feet and walks past him into the bedroom.

“Hang on.” He stops her and feels her forehead. “Feel normal to me.”

She collapses onto the bed with an unhappy moan.

“Headache? Any general soreness?”

“A little,” she says quietly, pulling the covers up. “Best keep the baby away.”

He looks at Aila, who is watching her mother very curiously and with concern. “I’ll go get you a…bucket or somethin’, to keep by the bed.”

She grunts in response.

*

Two and a half hours later, Alec is finishing up a meeting in the conference room with a few of the higher ups. As they all begin to exit, Ellie appears in the hallway. She’s wearing a gray silk blouse and black flowy trousers. She looks ten times better than she had when he left the house.

“Oi, hello, you,” he greets her.

“How was your meeting?” She asks as they walk to his office in step with one another.

“Standard. _You_ look quite refreshed.” He eyes her somewhat suspiciously.

They reach the door to his office and he stops to allow her to enter first.

“Must’ve been something I ate,” Ellie replies, perching on the edge of his desk while he goes to sit behind it. “I thought it might’ve been that Thai we had last night but you lot are all fine, eh?”

“Nothin' out of order.” He leans back in his chair, still observing her. “You feel fine now?”

“Fit as a fiddle. I dozed off for about an hour or so and all seemed to be in order when I woke. I got dressed then went downstairs and nursed the baby. She was awfully fussy with Molly, I suspect that must’ve been why,” Ellie says.

“Your breastmilk is her morning coffee, I think. Quite cranky without it.”

She smiles, then stands. “Well, ought to get to my own office then. I’ve got lunch today with Beth, by the way, so you’ll have to fend for yourself. Do not forget to eat.”

He smirks. “You’ve just popped into work and you’ll be off again in an hour, will you? Do you even _work_ here?”

She leans down and kisses him. “You’ll just have to work harder to keep me in line, won’t you?”

With that, she heads for the door.

“Look lovely, by the way,” he calls after her.

She grins back. “Thanks, boss.”

*

“Nightmares. Actual _nightmares_.”

Ellie shakes her head, stabbing a piece of grilled chicken with her fork. Across the table from her, Beth is laughing into her salad.

“He feels everything so _deeply_ , it’s – honestly it’s the exact opposite of the first impression he gives off,” Ellie continues. “When I met him, I felt he was a thoughtless, heartless prick. But it’s more than he just _internalizes_ all of those feelings, they seep into his bones. Which is just as unhealthy, frankly.”

“Things are all right now then, are they?”

“Mm.” Ellie chews, nodding her head. “They’ve come to some sort of _détente_ , he and Hal. Alec won’t go into details so I imagine it’s something I would find annoying, but whatever it is, so be it, as long as I don’t have to deal with the bruised egos of manchildren anymore.”

Beth snorts. “Isn’t that exactly what being a woman _is_?”

“Not in _my_ bloody house,” Ellie retorts. “I’m raising my boys to take care of their own shite. It’s nobody else’s job to rein in their hurt feelings and take care of their egos.” She pushes around the food on her plate. “God, can’t believe I’m eating a bloody salad of my own free will.”

“I wasn’t going to ask…”

“Bit of a funny tummy this morning,” she explains. “Thought it best to go on easy on it for a while.” She takes a bite of her Caesar salad. “Anyway, _please_ tell me something about you. How’re things with Peter?”

Beth _immediately_ blushes. Something that is very much out of character for her. Ellie is _delighted_.

“Oh what!”

“Might be a bit too good to be true,” Beth says sheepishly. “Who knew it was possible to find a builder in this town who always seem to land on the right side of things.”

“Politically, you mean?”

“Politically, personally, spiritually. Feel like I’ve discovered a whole new species of man.” She takes a sip of her water. “It’s amazin’.”

“….So things are going well.” Ellie grins.

Beth nods. “He’s great with Lizzie too. She’s a little bit in love with him herself, I reckon.”

Ellie puckers her lips to keep from grinning too widely when she says, “Easy on the eyes too, eh.”

Beth leans her forearms on the table and makes a face. “ _Un-bloody-believable_.”

Coyly, Ellie takes a sip of her water. “Take it things are just as impressive in the bedroom then.”

“Yeah, all right. I mean – “ Beth looks around shiftily.

“Oh, come on, you’re always needling me about _my_ sex life.”

“Well that’s ‘cause you’re shaggin’ the grumpiest man in Britain, I’ve got _questions_ ,” Beth says, semi-seriously.

“ _Grumpy_ and _good in bed_ are not mutually exclusive,” Ellie reminds her, pointing a fork in her direction. " _Trust_ me."

Beth relents and shrugs, then pushes her plate away. “El. You’ve got to do me a favour.”

“Anything.”

“You and Mr. Grumpy Cop have got to have dinner with us,” Beth says. “Like a double date sort of thing, suss him out for me. Tell me what you think.”

“What’s it matter what I think? He sounds perfect and you clearly adore him,” Ellie replies.

“Don’t trust myself so much at the moment. After everythin’ with Mark, and then…you know, it’s been so long since there’s been anythin’ serious. I need another eye on him.”

“Mm.” Ellie nods, chewing her food. “Alec’s not so keen on ‘double dates’ unsurprisingly but we’ve managed it with Maggie and Jocelyn a few times.”

“Please, El.”

Ellie smirks. “Oh I’ll make it happen. I do have my ways.”

*

They settle on Thursday night, only two days away. Best to spring it on him, Ellie knows, because then he has less time to brood about it and talk himself out of it. And less time to annoy her about it, of course. Work distracts them for the rest of the day, then a cranky baby and needy six-year-old distract them for the rest of the night, so she neglects to bring it up until the next morning.

She waits until he’s in a good mood. Which is immediately following a quick but satisfying early morning shag. He is, in fact, still _inside_ her, on his side and holding her from behind, a hand still on her breast.

“We’re to have dinner with Beth and her new boyfriend tomorrow night,” she announces.

Alec is still catching his breath whilst planting kisses on her shoulder. It takes him a moment to register what she’s even said.

“…What’s that now.” He raises his head, frowning.

She turns her head back. “Just dinner. With Beth and Peter. She wants our take on him.”

He grunts unintelligibly and turns onto his back. “Our _take_? We’re not her bloody _parents_ , Ellie.”

Ellie turns all the way around to face him. “I’m her best mate. And you’re my husband. So this is how it goes.”

“Don’t remember this part of our vows,” he grumbles.

She rubs his chest, her hand drifting just low enough to make him pliable. “It’s what friends do, love.”

“Mm.” He truly is powerless against a lower belly rub from her, even _after_ sex. “Yes, all right.”

She kisses his cheek. “Thank you.”

Then suddenly she goes a bit green and sits up in alarm.

“What?” He blinks at her. He was enjoying this bit of post-coital canoodling.

She jumps out of bed and runs to the loo. The sound of her retching now permeates the room.

“Again?” He says out loud. “El?” He sits up. “You all right?”

More retching. He crawls out of bed, pulls on his boxers, and trudges toward the loo.

“Bit odd,” he says, leaning against the doorframe.

She exhales, leaning back from the toilet.

“Possible you’re allergic to sex now?”

“Yes, Alec, I’ve become sex-intolerant,” she replies, irritated.

“Imagine bein’ allergic to semen,” he says, then laughs to himself.

She throws up again.

“Right, sorry.” He hands her a towel, helplessly. “Get you some alka seltzer?”

Ellie nods.

*

On her way to work, Ellie shows up at Lucy’s door with two iced coffees. When Lucy opens the door, Ellie shoves one iced coffee into her hand and says, “Is getting sick part of menopause?”

Lucy takes the coffee, but simply stares at her.

“Throwing up in the morning,” Ellie continues.

“Morning sickness,” Lucy clarifies.

“No. Throwing up in the morning.”

Lucy eyes her and steps outside. They sit on the front steps side by side.

“I know menopause has a lot of the same symptoms as pregnancy,” Ellie says, then sips from her straw. “Lot of the same tell-tale signs, right?”

“Right.”

“And frankly a lot of the same things as you deal with while breast-feeding.”

“Uh huh.” Lucy nods and takes a long sip, staring at her sister skeptically.

“So how do you tell them all apart?”

“Well what symptoms have you got?” Lucy asks.

“Uhm. Breast soreness, but that’s – fairly standard since I’m still nursing. Still no period. Some joint pain. Bit of fatigue. Tiny bit of weight gain. And some awful retching the last two mornings.”

Lucy considers this, squinting. “Well those are all symptoms of menopause, yeah.”

Ellie breathes a sigh of relief.

“’Cept the morning sickness.”

“ _Not_ morning sickness.”

“Sickness in the morning then.” Lucy rolls her eyes. “Frankly you’re still a bit young for menopause, I think, but it’s not impossible. I guess the Sickness in the Morning could be…stress? Anxiety? Food poisoning? What d’you reckon?”

Ellie sighs glumly. “No idea.” She drinks. “It’s all so hard to tell when I’ve still not gotten my period back at all post-baby.”

“Can’t you not get pregnant until you’ve had it back?”

Ellie laughs at her. “What?”

“…So I’m wrong.” It _has_ been roughly thirty years since Lucy had a baby, in fairness.

“Bloody wish you _weren’t_ ,” Ellie replies, biting her straw. "You can ovulate before menstruating again. Bloody annoying."

“Nursing is supposed to be a fairly reliable contraceptive though, that I do know.”

Ellie nods and shrugs simultaneously. “Not after about six months. And only if you’re nursing exclusively.”

Lucy make a cringey face. “Blimey. You’re on birth control then yeah?”

Ellie hesitates. “Got back on it shortly before the wedding. But then it did horrors to my skin. Sinclair told me that between the nursing, the lack of period, and my _advanced age_ it’d be next to impossible for me to get pregnant right now, so.”

“…So you’re not on birth control.”

“No.”

Lucy raises an eyebrow. “ _Next_ to impossible. And that was good enough for you, was it?”

Ellie groans. “It could just as well be menopause, or perimenopause or what have you. More likely even.”

“Yes.” Lucy nods noncommittally. “But…”

Ellie scowls at her. “Sod it, I’m off to work.”

She gets up, leaving her sister sitting on her own front steps, mainlining iced coffee.

*

The next morning, Thursday, there is no retching. Ellie is so relieved that she rewards herself with a giant, gooey cinnamon roll from the café for breakfast. Alec had gone in early for a meeting and Ellie had taken her sweet time dropping the boys off at school and stuffing her face.

When she appears in his office doorway around 9:30, he looks at her incredulously. “Truly, _do_ you work here?”

“Ha, ha.” She’s still licking sticky fingers as she walks inside. “Aila said _yoyo_ this morning after you left.” She announces this fact with a distinct air of bragging. “’S what you get for leaving so early.”

“For havin’ a job you mean?”

“Your daughter said _yoyo_ and you missed it,” she says smugly.

He gets up out of his chair and walks over to her. She is leaning on his desk with one hand.

“It was impossibly cute.”

“Everythin’ she does is impossibly cute.” With his thumb, he wipes a bit of sugary glaze off the corner of her mouth. “Donut?”

“Cinnamon roll.” She licks her lips. “Just glad she didn’t say _yolo_.”

He narrows his eyes. “What’s _yolo_?”

“Nevermind.”

He gives her a kiss, unable to resist the sticky sweetness awaiting his lips on hers.

“That was thirty calories right there, sure you can stand it?” She says haughtily.

He kisses her again. “Make it sixty.”

She smiles, then takes a step back. “Have I gained weight, you think?”

She shrugs out of her thin blazer and stands before him in her purple blouse and black skirt. Alec frowns.

“There’s no right answer to this question,” he replies. “I refused to be trapped.”

“I mean it, it’s fine,” Ellie says, turning around a bit one way and then the other. “I’m not _that_ self-conscious.”

He snorts. “Then why are you _askin’_?”

She sighs, placing her hands on her hips and looking around shiftily.

“Ellie. What?”

“So you know how I still haven’t gotten my period back.”

He straightens. “Yeah…”

“And the, uh. Sickness in the mornings.”

He blinks, now stiffening. “Yeah.”

“Now it could all be chocked up to menopause or even just…post-baby reproductive weirdness,” she begins. “But – “

“Wait.” He holds up a hand. Then he closes the door.

She rolls her eyes at him.

“What.”

“There’s a…. _possibility_ , a small possibility but a _possibility…_ ” She exhales. “That I might be pregnant.” Just saying words out loud has made her a bit weak and shaky.

He swallows, staring at her dubiously. She takes a step forward and squeezes his arms.

“It’s only a small possibility,” she says again.

After a short pause, he bursts forth with, “We shag too much.” He turns around and places his hands on his hips. “It’s too much, we don’t need to – we should not be shaggin’ so much, it’s – I mean, what do we expect? The odds are against us, aren’t they, of course you’re pregnant.”

Ellie groans. “God’s sake, Alec, you don’t get pregnant based on _frequency_. We could have sex once a month and I could wind up pregnant.”

He turns to her suddenly. “How certain are you?”

“About what?”

“That you’re pregnant.”

She lets out an incredulous laugh. “None, not at _all_ certain, that’s what I’m _saying_.”

He starts shaking his head. “You are _far_ too fertile.”

“What!”

“That you could _accidentally_ get pregnant _twice_ , in your mid-forties, I mean good christ.”

“Alec.” She tries to steady him in one place. “First of all, _early forties_ , thank you. Second, we don’t know I’m pregnant. The chances are… _low_ , all right? I’m just letting you in on what’s happening in my head, is all, in the interest of transparency.”

“We should go get a test,” he says anxiously. “Go to the chemist right now, I’ll go, and you can go take it in the loo, right now, today.”

“Stop.” She grabs onto his arms again. “No. We are not taking a pregnancy test _at work_ in the _middle of the day_. We have actual things to do.”

“At five o’clock then.”

Ellie shakes her head. “No, we’ve got dinner with Beth and Peter tonight, it’ll be awkward enough, we can’t add an extra layer to it, we’ll be a disaster all evening.”

“And you think we won’t be a disaster as is?”

She cups his face in her hands. “Relax. We’ll have a nice dinner and then we’ll get some answers in the morning.”

He’s pouting like a child, but he nods. She strokes his cheeks with her thumbs, then kisses him.

Katie pops her head into the office. “Ellie. Can we steal you for a mo?”

“Yeah, one moment.”

Katie pops out again. Ellie tries to step back from him, but Alec holds onto her waist, conspicuously staring at her stomach.

“Alec.”

“You’ve not gained weight,” he tells her definitively. “And I say that with confidence as the man who closely studies your naked body daily.”

She smiles. “We’ll go with that then.”

She heads for the door.

“El.”

“Yeah.”

He shifts his weight from one side to the other. “If you _are_ pregnant…”

She opens her mouth then closes it again. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eep, I did not mean to worry you all with my note on the last chapter! I meant for it to do exactly the opposite! But I suppose it is much more ominous-sounding when you don't know the tone with which it was intended, so please just...ignore it entirely and just...trust me, I guess. Onward!

After work, Ellie relieves Molly and Alec goes to drive Ryan home following his playdate with Fred. Exhausted from a long day at school and a busy afternoon of playing, Fred zonks out in front of the telly, splayed across the sofa limply. Aila is a bit clingy from the moment Ellie comes home, attaching herself to her. Ellie sits in the armchair in the living room, holding Aila and tuning out some _Batman_ cartoon show while she uses her mobile to order pizza.

When Tom bursts through the front door with Erin, he announces that he’ll be having dinner at _her_ house.

“Fine,” Ellie says exhaustedly. “Alec and I are going out with Beth and her boyfriend, so Chloe and Lizzie are coming over here. Chloe will mind all three of the little ones, so don’t be getting in her way later on.”

“Fine,” Tom says back, scurrying up the stairs with Erin.

Impossible to get her older son sitting still these days, she thinks. She may have to force him into a mother/son date soon.

“Mummumumumumumum.” Aila is very happily laying on Ellie’s lap being cradled by one arm. She kicks her little legs and smiles up at her mother.

“Hello, my baby,” Ellie says, squeezing her.

Aila reaches up and sticks her fingers in Ellie’s mouth. Alec comes through the front door, immediately shouting out that they should order the pizza for the kids now if they’re going to be on time. Then he appears in the living room and finds himself stopped at the sight of Ellie and Aila.

It’s a sight he’s seen a million times. The two of them so happy to be together. Aila so content to be held and Ellie so content to be holding. Both of them with big goofy grins on their faces. But this time it hits him differently.

What if Ellie _is_ pregnant? What if this is _not_ their last child? …Or their only _biological_ child? What if a year from now he’ll be watching her hold another baby like this? Another girl…maybe a boy this time.

He’s frozen. He has no _idea_ what if. He has no idea how he feels about that, one way or the other.

When the subject had come up briefly months and months earlier – Ellie needing to confirm that Alec did not in fact _want_ another baby – he’d said no. He’d said that he had no active desire for a baby, but also that if it somehow happened, he wouldn’t be upset. It was a fairly noncommittal answer, but one Ellie had accepted.

He’s quite certain that _her_ feelings on the matter are a bit firmer.

Although, perhaps not. Perhaps with Aila growing, she’s realizing how much she’ll miss having a tiny baby around.

Doubtful. He’d had to be the one to convince her having Aila was a good idea in the first place. There’s no way she’s keen on another baby.

And as far as he’s concerned…the possibility seems quite insane. He’s already forty-eight years old. Already facing the fact that he’s going to miss more of Aila’s life than he can bring himself to imagine. They have four children already. Two very busy careers. And then there’s their all-important alone time. The quality of their relationship. Surely it would suffer with two small babies under the age of two. Surely they would go utterly batty and possibly kill each other.

Aila was special. Aila’s their love baby, as Fred would say. Aila brought them closer in ways Alec could never have envisioned. And she’s _already_ the perfect baby, there’s no possible way to improve upon her. They could not have asked for a child with more personality, a child who is more like them, who is the perfect blend of them both.

What they have right now is perfect. He is certain. They have everything they want. They have made it all work. And his beautiful, perfect wee baby is destined to be their baby forever. Their only baby. He is sure of it.

“Already ordered the pizza,” Ellie replies, startling him out of his reverie. “Look who it is, sweet bug, Daddy’s back.”

Aila is grinning at him and kicking her legs. “Babababababa.”

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Fred announces, eyes still glued to the television.

Ellie shakes her head. _She’s_ been in the room with him for twenty minutes and he’s not said a word, then suddenly Alec walks in and it’s _Daddy, I’m hungry_.

“Your mum just ordered pizza.” He walks over to Ellie and Aila. Aila holds her arms out to him and he picks her up. “Hey there, darlin’.”

Aila curls up against his chest and immediately pulls a fistful of his shirt into her mouth.

Yes, she is the perfect baby. Their only baby. His junior partner, his wee lass. He can think of nothing that another baby could bring them that they don’t already have. Nothing but stress, exhaustion, and time apart.

He kisses Aila’s head repeatedly. Then he realizes Ellie has been watching him, watching _them_ , an odd sort of look in her eyes. Probably experiencing an inner monologue similar to his. Hopefully experiencing an inner monologue similar to his.

He rocks her slightly from side to side as she murmurs _Mumumumumum_ into his chest, placid and content. He thinks about how this is by far the best part of every day.

Then Ellie stands suddenly. “Gonna go get sorted and freshen up.” She lightly brushes his arm as she walks past. “Will you feed her?”

“Course,” he replies. And then to the baby, “What d’you reckon, my wee lass, a bit of avocado? Some banana?” He heads toward the kitchen with her. “Maybe some delicious applesauce, eh? What a fancy discernin’ palate you have, my love.”

*

Ellie is very into the long, flowy trousers this summer. She changes into a pair of gray ones, then changes into a less frumpy bra and follows that with a sleeveless v-neck top. She styles her hair half up, half down then touches up her makeup a bit.

When Alec comes in with the baby, he says, “Moved a pouch of breast milk from the freezer to the fridge for when Chloe needs to put her down.”

“Oh, good,” Ellie replies. “With any luck we’ll be home in time to put her down ourselves, but that’s good.”

His face lights up a bit at that and she smirks.

“It’s just dinner, love,” she says. “It need not be an all evening affair, I told you as much.”

“Yeah, but you _always_ say that.”

Ellie takes one last look in the mirror then goes to him. “This time I mean it. Dinner at 6:30, home by eight.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Optimistic.”

Aila leans out of his arms toward Ellie and Ellie takes her, kissing her cheek. “Go change your shirt at least.”

“Fine but I’m wearin’ the same jacket.”

Ellie sits at the edge of the bed and lifts her top so she can nurse Aila quickly before they go. Holding the baby with one arm, she picks up her mobile with the other.

“Beth says she just told Peter about how we met,” she says. “So we won’t have get into it at dinner.”

They have gotten quite practiced at telling the story of how they met in a way that is respectful of the situation but is also truthful about how their feelings played out. But not in front of Beth. It has never felt right or comfortable in front of Beth.

“Ah, bless her,” Alec replies, pulling on a crisp new navy blue shirt.

“Don’t wear a tie,” Ellie says, looking up.

“What?”

“Just a casual evening out with friends, don’t show up like you came straight from work. Keep the top buttons open or something.”

Alec sighs and stands in front of the full-length mirror as he buttons his shirt. “How d’you feel?” He asks quietly.

Ellie glances at him, then averts his eyes in the mirror and looks down at Aila, happily suckling away. “Don’t treat me like I’m pregnant.”

“…Sorry.”

But she seems a bit tired. A bit moody. And then she gently pulls Aila away from her breast, wincing. Aila, who is not yet satisfied, starts to cry.

“Will you take her please?”

Watching her with slight hesitation, Alec steps over and takes the baby out of her arms. Aila is now just blubbering a bit, only half-heartedly crying. Ellie straightens herself out.

“Sore?” He asks.

“Yeah,” she says quietly, getting up and going to her closet.

She slips on some short heels then heads for the door.

Ellie is pregnant. He is sure of it.

*

The two couples share a car to the restaurant. Beth has brought over Lizzie, Peter in tow, so that Chloe can watch all of the kids at the Hardy house. That way they don’t fight over their favourite babysitter. Alec drives, with Ellie in the front seat, Peter and Beth in the back. Ellie and Beth carry the conversation for the entire ten minute ride; Peter and Alec don’t even attempt to get a word in edgewise.

As Ellie is determined to keep things casual, they go to the pub – but the _nicer_ pub, on the outskirts of town. They are led to a four-top and in the shuffling, Alec and Ellie are nearly made to sit across from each other. But Alec acts quickly, trying to nonchalantly rearrange them so that he can sit next to Ellie. If he’s going to be at this dinner he’s bloody well going to be able to touch his wife during it. It is not, in fact, nonchalant at all, but no one says anything.

Peter and Beth both order a pint. Alec orders a scotch. Ellie orders a glass of white wine.

Alec throws a furtive glance her way when she orders. She responds with the quickest of glares. They both know that a glass of wine is fine, even if she _is_ pregnant. But it concerns him all the same. Or perhaps he simply chooses to be concerned.

“So,” Peter says, with a slightly nervous laugh. “Beth tells me you two finally tied the knot a few months ago.”

Ellie smiles to put him at ease. This is her specialty and it works. “Two and a half months ago.”

“Feels like longer.” Alec grumbles this, but not crankily. Just as a thoughtful observation. But Ellie snorts and shakes her head.

“This is what I live with.”

“Didn’t mean in a _bad_ way.” He looks at her a bit plaintively and she reaches out to rub his back.

“Well, yeah, does feel like you lot’ve been hitched for ages, doesn’t it?” Beth chimes in. “Been livin’ together, what, two years now?”

Ellie nods. “Two years.”

“And married at work for even longer,” Beth adds.

“True.” Ellie smiles and shrugs. “But Peter, please tell us more about you.”

At this, Peter launches into a monologue. Ellie suspects this is largely due to anxiety and whatever pressure Beth has unwittingly foisted upon him. But Alec grows more and more irritated with each passing second. They learn that Peter has lived in Broadchurch for five years – he had in fact moved to town shortly after Danny’s murder was solved. He moved because Dorset seemed to be growing along with its tourism and as a builder, work was aplenty. Originally from Northampton, he still hasn’t quite found his crew here in town, though he occasionally goes down the pub with mates from work. Otherwise, he’d mostly kept to himself until he met Beth. The two met on Tinder.

“Hard to believe this Tinder thing actually _works_ ,” Ellie comments, just as their drinks arrive. “I’ve never tried it myself but Alec has.” She flutters her eyelashes at him with an amused smile.

Alec groans.

“Oh yeah?” Peter takes the bait. “Guessing no success since you’ve ended up with Ellie, but – “

“Yes,” Alec says, with a quick glare in Ellie’s direction. “No success since I’ve ended up with Ellie, you said it.”

Ellie elbows him. He grunts.

“Didn’t you go on a date with some little blonde chippie?” Beth asks.

“Yes, he did!” Ellie replies. “Her name was Zoe and he didn’t even kiss her goodnight. No manners whatsoever, this one.”

Alec frowns at her. “Kissin’ is not part of Emily Post, thank you.”

Ellie turns a bit in her seat and places a hand on his thigh. “He hates when I tease him.”

“And so she does it as often as possible,” Alec grumbles.

But then she squeezes his thigh and gets a hint of a smile out of him.

Peter has a daughter, they then learn. Ellie is shocked that Beth has managed to omit this little detail previously, but she tries not to show it. His daughter is eleven and still lives in Northampton with her mother, to whom he was never married.

“How often d’you get back?” Alec questions, interested in this scenario for obvious reasons.

“As often as I can. I work weekends a bit too frequently, part of the job, but I try for at least twice a month,” Peter replies.

“Our daughter Daisy is from Alec’s previous marriage,” Ellie volunteers. “She’s a few hours away with her Mum for the month. And preparing for uni in the fall.”

“Ah, that’s exciting,” Peter says. “Where’s she headed?”

“University of Edinburgh,” Alec replies.

“Happy to connect with her Scottish roots,” Ellie adds, lazily scratching the back of Alec’s neck to keep him relaxed.

Peter takes a sip of his pint. “So you’ve got yourselves an eighteen-year-old _and_ an infant.”

“We’ve got all ages covered,” Ellie replies with a laugh. “Eighteen, fifteen, six, eight months. We run the gamut over at the House of Hardy.”

“Somethin’ for everyone,” Alec adds. Ellie smiles at him. He does not join in on the joke as often as she’d like in front of others. She likes it when he banters with her in public.

“And how is that?” Peter asks. “Sounds as if it might be a bit overwhelming.”

Ellie shrugs, taking a sip of her wine. “Well, Beth’s got a 19-year-old and a nearly five-year-old. She knows well what it’s like.”

“Yeah.” Beth laughs as she raises her pint to her lips. “But I’ve only got two.”

There’s a brief pause. Beth hadn’t meant for her own comment to be a reference to Danny. But they all drink in response.

“Yes, well. Four _is_ a bit much,” Ellie says finally.

“I guess four’s better than five!” Peter says jovially.

Both Alec and Ellie’s eyes widen and they look down into their glasses, stiffening. Beth furrows her brows at them curiously.

Their server returns. Alec orders the Thimble Pie, Ellie the Forager's Stew, while Peter and Beth decide to split a few starters between them.

“Got mushrooms,” Alec says quietly, leaning into Ellie once the server has left.

“Eh?” She leans in and meets him halfway.

“The stew has got mushrooms in it.”

It takes her a moment, but then she remembers. Mushrooms are on the list of things she absolutely cannot stomach while pregnant.

She sits up straight and offers no response. Again, Beth eyes them curiously.

“So, Peter,” Ellie says, reaching for her wine glass. “Get to travel much? Any hobbies?”

Ellie is a master of changing the subject, a master of steering conversation. She can engage a stranger for hours with endless observations, pointed questions, and surprising insight. It’s a skill she can control and she tries not to use it when also in the company of friends, choosing instead to let the conversation twist and turn at will. But Alec clocks the exact moment when she chooses to employ it tonight, unable to let fate take its course.

This works extremely well until their meals are served. Within about twenty seconds of her stew appearing before her, the smell incites a wave of nausea. She jumps up from her chair and, with her hand covering her mouth, runs off to the loo.

There’s a brief moment of stunned silence, during which Beth makes a surprised face at Alec. He pushes his chair back and places his napkin on the table.

“What’re you going to do, burst into the ladies’?!” Beth exclaims, pushing her own chair back. “I’ll go.”

Alec chooses not to inform her that this would not _nearly_ be the first time he’d followed Ellie into the ladies’ room. So as not to arouse suspicion, he nods and pulls his chair back in. Then sighs when he realizes he is now facing time alone with Peter.

In the loo, Ellie is standing over the sink, leaning forward on her palms. She breathes in and out, letting each breath out slowly.

“All right, El?” Beth steps into the room, noting quickly that all the stalls are open.

Ellie straightens, startled. “Yeah. Bit woozy.”

“Wine on an empty stomach?”

Ellie looks right at Beth and starts to nod, then stops herself. It’s too hard to lie to Beth, too hard to even bend the truth. Besides, thanks to Beth's work, she has developed a skill for drawing things out of people over the last few years.

“……Very much _not_ empty stomach.”

Beth stares at her.

“Right, that wasn’t quite…what I meant.” She takes another deep breath, leaning on hand on the counter. “Actually, um. There’s a chance that, uh.” She exhales. “I think I might be pregnant.”

Beth jaw drops, her eyes wide and her arms fall to her sides. “ _What_.”

“I know, I _know_.” Ellie cringes, covering her face with her hands.

“You jokin’?”

“No. God I wish. No.”

“ _Blimey_.” Beth leans back against the counter, taking it in. “You done a test yet?”

“No, not yet. Waiting ‘til the morning.”

“And Alec knows?”

Ellie nods.

“I _knew_ somethin’ was off with you two, I knew it,” Beth says. “Bloody hell. How certain are you?”

Ellie tilts her head from side to side. “Not very. I do think the chances are _low_ , but there _is_ a chance and that’s the problem. I’ve got all the symptoms. Feel just as I did the last time I thought I was pregnant. You remember.”

“….So what if it’s true?” Beth asks softly, trying to meet her gaze.

“I --- “ Ellie breathes out. “I dunno. I mean, it’s not what we want. But beyond that I won’t let either one of us think about it until we know for certain. There’s no point. No need to consider the options until we know for certain that we actually _need_ options. Why put ourselves through that?”

“Right, yeah. I s’pose.”

“I think I…” Ellie leans back against the wall, folding her arms across her chest. “I think I don’t want to _know_ what I’d do.”

Beth is quiet. She understands innately that her opinion is not what her friend needs right now.

“All right.” She reaches for Ellie’s hand. “Let’s just get through this then, eh?”

Ellie offers her a smile. “So sorry, I feel like I’ve made tonight about me and I absolutely did not want that.”

“Ah, come on.” Beth waves her off. “Just dinner. Not like I’ve gone and gotten engaged or anythin’.” She makes a face. “The horror.”

Ellie laughs and allows herself to be led back to the table by Beth. When she returns to her seat, she finds that Alec has swapped her dish for his. He’s already eaten all the mushrooms and the smell is no longer a concern. She smiles at him gratefully and, through silent communication, lets him know that she is just fine. He reaches out and tucks her hair behind her ear, thumb brushing her cheek, then they both dig in.

“All right?” Peter says. “Alec says you’re allergic to mushrooms.”

Ellie chuckles sheepishly. “Yes. Always forget there’re mushrooms in the stew.”

Beth takes a sip of her pint and then says, “Oh, El. Show Peter that video of Aila saying _yoyo._ ”

She rolls her eyes and picks up her own wine glass. “What, and make us that couple constantly holding people hostage with baby videos?”

“It’s _one video_.”

Ellie does not need much persuading. And she realizes that Beth is only trying to make her feel better, to change the subject. She pulls her mobile out of her bag and distinctly notes Alec’s sigh – he does not at all enjoy the modern habit of mobiles at the dinner table. Despite this, she finds the video, hits play, and hands the mobile over to Peter.

In it, Aila sits on the floor bouncing happily. “Yoyoyo,” she says. Then Ellie’s snickering is heard in the background. “What’s that, little girl?” She asks. “Yoyo?”

Aila grins, clearly aware that she’s done something compelling. “Yoyoyoyo,” the baby repeats.

Fred’s little feet appear behind Aila and then his voice. “Mumma I want a yoyo.”

Aila looks at him and grins wider. “Yoyoyo!”

Ellie laughs riotously, then the video cuts out.

Smiling, Peter hands the mobile back to Ellie. Beth is laughing. “Her little O-shaped mouth!”

“I know!” Ellie agrees.

“ _How_ old did you say she was?” Peter questions.

“Eight months,” Ellie replies. “Nine nearly.”

“She’s lovely,” he says. “Is she a bit small for eight months?”

Ellie blinks at him. Then, to her surprise, Alec nods.

“Yeah, a bit,” Alec says. “Born eight weeks premature, still catchin’ up a bit.”

Ellie frowns at him. “She is not. Perfectly normal weight.”

“She’s a pound or two under,” Alec argues casually, eating a forkful of stew. Then he looks at Peter again. “On track in terms of motor skills and development. Just physically a bit on the small side.”

Beth smirks. “Perhaps she just takes after Ellie.”

“Oi,” Ellie complains. “I’m not small, _he’s_ just tall.” She gestures at Alec. “And she’s not underweight.”

To Alec, this fact is indisputable. He continues to eat, not looking at her. “She is. For god’s sake it’s not a slight upon _you_.”

“I know that.” She’s not sure why they’re fighting. But she can’t seem to let this go. “She’s fine.”

“We need to push the solids on her more,” Alec says, and suddenly it’s as if they’ve both forgotten they are not alone. “She’s too attached to nursing. No pun intended.”

Peter and Beth exchange glances silently.

“ _What_.”

Alec finally looks again. “It’s not a slight on you,” he says again. “Just a thought I had.”

Ellie’s eyes shoot daggers at him. He recoils, only now realizing how unnecessary this conversational detour has been. Beth begins to laugh nervously.

“Anyway, I just think she’s hilarious,” Beth says, of Aila. “Truly, Peter, she’s got the most unbelievable comedic timin’. She ought to do stand up.”

“If only she could speak,” Ellie adds.

“Soon enough,” Beth tells her. “She’s already got _yoyo_ down, it won’t be long now.”

After a few moments of quiet, Ellie says softly, “She _is_ a bit small.”

Alec turns to look at her curiously. Then nods and picks up his glass, satisfied.

The rest of the meal passes more or less without incident. Beth quickly vetoes dessert when it is offered, knowing that it’s best for her friends to call it a night as soon as possible. Alec insists on picking up the cheque, knowing that Ellie would be grumpy about it later if he didn’t. As he sorts it, she pulls her chair closer to his, leans her arm on his shoulder and affectionately traces his ear with her finger, pleased with the initiative he has taken. When the receipt comes back, she kisses his cheek as he signs it.

Alec decides he will now pick up the cheque always.

Upon returning to the house, Lizzie and Fred are running around madly. It is unclear who is chasing who. Hearing them come in, Chloe comes down the stairs holding Aila. She’s clearly a bit frustrated.

As the kids come running back, Alec scoops up Fred, thereby shutting the whole thing down.

“What’s all this then?”

“We’re playing The Flash,” Fred says as Alec settles him on his hip, insomuch as he can.

“I’m The Flash,” Lizzie tells them.

“I’m also The Flash.”

“…So you’re both The Flash,” Beth says.

“Yeah but I’m the faster Flash,” Fred insists.

“So sorry,” Chloe chimes in. “I’d hoped to have Aila down but – hard to do with these two downstairs.”

“Oh, don’t you worry.” Ellie lifts Aila out of Chloe’s arms.

“And she’s been refusing the bottle.”

Alec smirks at his daughter. “That’s ‘cause she knows it’ll put her to sleep. She’s just that clever.”

Beth gathers up Lizzie’s things and Alec hands Chloe her hard-earned money, then the four of them head off.

“Okay, The Flash,” Ellie says, guiding Fred toward the steps. “Up we go.”

“I’ll give her the bottle so the milk doesn’t go to waste,” Alec says, following them upstairs with Aila. “Unless you need to nurse her.”

Ellie shakes her head. “Go on.”

At the top of the stairs, they separate. Ellie and Fred into his room, Alec and Aila into the nursery. Ellie reads Fred a few of his favourite bedtime books. He falls asleep with his head resting on her breasts, snuggled up at her side. The evening has clearly worn him out. Once Fred is sorted, she turns on his sound machine and his C3PO night light like always, then closes the door.

In the nursery, Alec is in the rocking chair feeding Aila her bottle. She has nearly finished it, her eyelids heavy. Her little hand grips tightly to one of his shirt buttons, the other hand resting on the bottle. It’s possibly Alec’s favourite thing in the world, giving her a bottle. She’s so relaxed and sweet, her big eyes look up at him adoringly, her hand always grasping some part of him. It’s about the nicest thing he can think of.

“How lovely you both are,” Ellie says softly from the doorway.

Alec sets the bottle down once Aila has closed her eyes. He continues to rock her until she’s fully asleep and it’s more than a fluke. Ellie watches, contentedly leaning her head against the doorframe.

After Alec gently sets Aila down in her crib, he turns on her sound machine and her cloud night light like always, then closes the door.

They stand opposite one another in the dim light of the hallway.

“…Bit of telly?” Alec suggests tepidly.

“Yeah, but up here, I think,” Ellie replies, starting towards their bedroom. “I’m liable to drop off any moment.”

With little conversation, they begin changing into their night clothes, washing their faces and brushing their teeth. Alec gets into bed and points the remote at the television while Ellie stands by her vanity moisturizing her face.

“What’re you in the mood for?”

“Ah.” Ellie shrugs a bit. “Something light I reckon.”

“ _Schitt’s Creek_?”

Ellie lights up. “ _Yes_.”

“Right.”

This is one of few sitcoms both he and Ellie can agree on. It’s rare that Alec laughs out loud at the telly. With _Schitt’s Creek_ , he does it at least once an episode. That might be Ellie’s favourite thing about it.

He turns an episode on as Ellie crawls into bed beside him, curling up at his side. They watch the episode without commentary, both of them somewhat lost in their thoughts but trying to pay attention. The second one begins automatically, then Ellie finds the remote and pauses it. She looks up at Alec.

“If I’m not pregnant we’re off to Bristol for a pub crawl.”

He snorts, then looks down at her.

“Count on it.”

She holds onto him tightly, swinging a leg over him and locking him in. He bows his head and kisses her lips.

“You’re quite a lovely husband, you know,” she says, slipping her hand underneath his t-shirt and rubbing his chest.

“Only fittin’ for a such a lovely wife.” He kisses her brow.

“Thank you for tonight. For being kind to Peter, for putting up with me. For eating all my mushrooms.” Her hand covers his pacemaker scar.

He kisses her lips then nuzzles her nose. “El.”

“Hm.” She plants kisses along his jaw, moving down to his neck.

“If you’re not pregnant – “

“Pub crawl,” she murmurs.

“Yes, but after that – “

“Mhm.”

He pulls back just a little to look at her. “You should make an appointment anyway. Even if the home tests come back negative.”

“To be sure, you mean?”

“Ah, no.” He’s briefly quiet, stroking her cheek. “’Cause if you’re not pregnant, then it must be somethin’ else.”

She frowns with confusion, then she nods. “Oh.” Her fingers trace his scar. “Could be menopause.”

“Yeah, could be menopause,” he agrees hopefully. “But let’s be certain. All right?”

The thought of anything more is far too much for him to think on. He’s eager to push it out of his mind. He can see that her own wheels are turning now. He’s opened up a possibility for her that she hadn’t considered. Her eyes are wide and vulnerable.

He turns onto his side and gently folds her in, then strokes her cheek as he kisses her. She seems to welcome the distraction, pulling him tightly against her and returning the kiss fervently. He finds her breast underneath her t-shirt, avoiding the nipple area in case it’s still sore. She hooks one leg over his waist and moans encouragingly. As things heat up, he guides her onto her back, covering her body with his. He rubs his hardening cock into her as their kisses become deeper and messier. His hand drifts down her body, massaging her breast then traveling lower. It stops when it reaches her stomach, grazing over her belly button.

The idea that she _could_ be pregnant. That there could be a little coin-sized fetus under his hand. It gives him pause. Her belly hasn't swelled at all. There’s nothing out of the ordinary about her that he can see or feel. But the mere _possibility_ …

“Alec,” she says breathlessly. “What is it?”

He shakes his head. “Nothin’.” Then persuades himself to keep his hand moving, slipping into her knickers. The least he can do at the moment is try to make her feel as good as humanly possible.

He kisses her breasts as his fingers gently stroke her, then his mouth stops at the nipple. “Still sore?” He looks up.

“It’s all right,” she says, eyes closed, chest rising and falling.

He takes her nipple into his mouth and sucks as he fucks her with his fingers. Once he’s made her come, he rolls over to the side and lets her decide what, if anything, is next. But when she, pink-faced and glistening, turns to look at him, she frowns at what she sees.

“Babe,” she says, her pitch rising with concern.

She touches his cheek and it’s wet. He realizes he’s been crying.

It’s then he understands that _any_ result of her current physical ailments is upsetting to him in some way. Pregnant, not pregnant, menopause, something worse. None of it is good. Not pregnant of course is the best possible outcome, but even that will come with complex feelings of its own. Whatever it is, they’re in for a struggle.

He turns his cheek into her palm. “I just love you,” he says.

“Well, no need to look so miserable about it.”

In this moment they both have to decide whether to delve deeper into their emotions - or to help each other through it another way.

Ellie yanks down his boxers and climbs on top of him. “It’s fine,” she says, leaning down to kiss him. “We’re fine.” Then she guides him inside her and he can only agree with her.

“ _Fuck_ ,” they both gasp at the same time, then smile.

Then she drops her head down limply as she begins to rock her hips. “We’re fine,” she whispers.

He holds onto her waist, groaning.

“We’re fine.”

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please click "more notes" for a trigger warning if you're worried about triggers.

Alec is awake long before Ellie is. She’s asleep on his arm and he makes no attempt to move her. When he carefully rolls over onto his back, she senses the movement and rolls over to her side, facing him, and kisses his arm. Then she’s exactly as dead to the world as she’d been four seconds earlier and he loves her so much.

This fear, the sort of fear that he’s experiencing now, is a fear he has not known in quite some time – all thanks to Ellie, of course. For years he had accepted that fear and anxiety would be a natural part of his daily life. But then everything about his daily life had changed. Most days, the strongest fear he experiences is that his eight-month-old daughter will accidentally bump her head on the coffee table while crawling around. (And when that happens, you better believe he is kicking the offending table to the curb, how _dare_ it cause his daughter pain.)

But for the last two days, fear seems to have permeated every part of him. The fear of Ellie being pregnant was enough. More than enough. The fear of Ellie _not_ being pregnant, of the conversation they will then be forced to have after roughly seven months of putting it off, does not thrill him either. The fear of Ellie beginning menopause…oh god what on earth will that even look like. (He has researched it of course – hot flashes, hormones…vaginal dryness? Good lord, no thank you.) But the fear of something more, of something worse. This is why he cannot sleep.

Roughly six weeks into their relationship, Ellie had been grazed by a bullet – an _extremely_ rare circumstance in England, even for a copper. She had only been grazed, had needed precisely eleven stitches, but he had felt his insides crumble at the mere notion of her being in danger.

The idea of Ellie getting sick…this had not ever occurred to him, somehow. The primary source of his happiness, the love of his life, the much, much better half of him – it’s unconscionable, the idea of anything happening to her. It is beyond his capacity for understanding.

And it’s not worth considering at the moment, surely. The chances of this being the case, he knows, are currently quite small. But now that the notion has seeped into his brain, how is it possible he will ever get it out? Even if ( _when_ , he tells himself) the doctor determines her perfectly healthy, this fear lives inside him now. The fear of losing her. Even the fear of losing her twenty, thirty years from now. Melodramatic as it seems, Alec now knows he will have to live with this fear somewhere within him for the rest of his life. How on earth had he managed to keep this out of his mind for so long?

Thank god men scientifically speaking die long before women do. Thank _god_ his lifespan is almost certainly shorter than hers. She is much better at dealing with pain and fear. She is much stronger than he is. She will be fine.

But if she were to somehow leave him _now_. With four children including an infant daughter…

No no no no. Too far. Unnecessary. Shake it off. A few mornings of brief vomiting does not a terminal illness make.

The baby monitor crackles a bit and he hears said infant daughter babbling a bit. The mere sound of it causes moisture to build up in his eyes. Then it stops. He picks up the monitor and looks at the screen. She’s fallen back asleep, having found her pacifier again. What a clever girl.

Imagine another human like this one, he thinks, staring at his daughter on the screen. Just one more human like this. One more child that is part him, part her. Mostly her, with any luck. Might not be so bad. And he does miss her being pregnant. He _loved_ when she was pregnant. Even _he_ could not believe how much. He’d felt such a genuine thrill knowing she was carrying his child, _their_ child. Making love to her and being able to _feel_ what they’d already created. The baby that the universe decided they had to have. Who would turn out to be the most perfect baby to ever exist.

But christ on earth does five children sound awful. He wants to spend the rest of his life with _Ellie_. Not with far too many children, though he adores them immensely. For any one of their four children, he would give up everything he has, every internal organ, all the blood in his veins. But at the end of each day he wants to get into bed with Ellie, and then wake up with Ellie, and then spend his entire day with Ellie. He has no interest in a life where his time with her is constantly interrupted by Too Many Children. Another baby serves only to take her away from him.

Enough. His heart is racing. He feels the old familiar urge to reach for his blister packet of pills, but he has no idea where they are or if they’re even any good now. He sits up abruptly, dislodging his arm from underneath her. He closes his eyes and breathes in and out, using the exercises she taught him years ago.

He feels Ellie’s hand at his back. Her lovely, perfect hand. (Good lord, is he now romanticizing her _hand_? Get a bloody grip, Hardy.)

“All right?” She croaks out drowsily.

“Go back to sleep,” he says gently, without looking back at her.

Unsurprisingly, this does not work. Instead she sits up a bit, propped up on her elbow. “Nightmare?” She blinks at him, eyes bleary.

He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know how to.

“Worried about the home test?”

He looks back at her, her steady gaze, those big brown eyes, always alert and empathetic even half asleep. Then he looks away again.

“Why don’t you pop to the shop soon as they open,” she suggests, sitting all the way up, rubbing his arm. “I’ll take it before work.”

Alec shakes his head. “Have that meeting this mornin’.”

The county-wide law enforcement meeting. Hosted, inexplicably, at their relatively small police station.

“Never be able to concentrate if…” He doesn’t finish the sentence. He, again, has absolutely no idea how to.

“Right.” She nods, looking down in thought. “After that then. At lunch. And then if we need to leave…we’ll leave.”

It will likely not be as simple as that, they both know. Their combined authority does offer them a fair amount of freedom in their comings and goings, but their line of work by nature is unpredictable. He finds himself imagining Ellie holding up three positive pregnancy tests and then Donald immediately popping in to say there’s been a murder in the caravan park. _Then_ what.

He’s quiet again, but his heart rate has slowed, his breathing normal. This is probably largely to do with her rubbing his arm, the proximity of her sitting directly behind him, the sound of her voice.

“Ah, come now,” he hears her saying. “Nothing is as grim as all this. Buck up.” She’s rubbing his back now. He wishes he were stronger for her. She shouldn’t have to be comforting him in the wee hours of the morning over something that’s not even _happened_ yet, if it happens at _all_.

He’s about to apologize for being so bloody annoying when she starts guiding him back down to lie beside her.

“Relax,” she says, placing a steady hand on his chest.

It’s _her_ body and she’s the one comforting _him_. What a useful husband he is.

She cuddles up to him, rubbing his chest soothingly, as one might a child. Or as one might to their grown husband nearing age fifty. (Christ, yet another thought that would surely get his heart rate up if he gave it even another moment’s thought.)

Ellie kisses his cheek, his jaw, his ear, then nuzzles into the crook of his neck. “It’s all right,” she whispers, then she yawns. “Things always work themselves out in the end.”

They don’t. And they both know it. But even if her words don’t do much, she knows, physically, how to relax him. Touch and be touched, that’s all she has to do. She is a good wife. Far and away the best wife he’s ever had.

He decides to say this.

“You’re a good wife.” His fingers trail up and down her bare arm. “Far and away the best wife I’ve ever had.”

She snorts a bit, stifling a much louder laugh. “Go back to sleep.”

He’s never known a better person.

*

When proper morning comes around, he finds himself to be quite useless. From about 7:45-8:15, Ellie is engaged on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. During breakfast, Fred decides that he cannot possibly go to day camp today, on account of he has a “funny tummy just like Mummy.” Which he repeats over and over and over until Tom finally scolds him. Alec is too distracted to scold Tom for scolding Fred. Aila is in a particularly silly mood, flopping and flailing around in what he can only assume is an attempt to get a laugh out of her family, in particular her brothers. But it doesn’t quite work, everyone being either too cranky or too distracted. Alec can hardly even get her dressed, as she insists upon rolling and waving and kicking goofily. Their little comedienne. Under different circumstances, Alec would find this utterly charming and amusing. But not today. Poor sweet baby, just trying to make him feel better.

Once recovered, Ellie takes over quickly, swooping in with purpose and great efficacy. Aila is quickly dressed, Fred is properly chastised and packed for camp, Tom’s help in cleaning the kitchen is enlisted. She gets everyone sorted and the house in order and she does it mostly one-handed, holding a nursing Aila with one arm as she scurries around.

Wonder Woman, his Ellie.

They decide to take a single car to work today, dropping off Fred and Tom at their respective activities. At 8:50, with ten minutes to go before their big meeting, Ellie pulls the car over to the shop. They go in together, straight to the “feminine” aisle, and choose four pregnancy tests, making sure to use different brands, just in case one should be more accurate than another.

There’s something about standing in the shop picking out pregnancy tests with his wife that makes Alec marvel at his own life. That he should even have the sort of life where he has a _wife_ who might be _pregnant_ , _again_ , a life where that scenario is not a totally absurd notion. How unbelievably bizarre. It makes him feel oddly….lucky.

Alec James Hardy, forty-eight, of Glasgow, has a beautiful wife with whom he is deeply in love and to whom he _makes_ love about every other day to the point where she could be unexpectedly pregnant.

Who knew.

*

Ellie has a much better poker face than he does. This has always been true. When they’re in large meetings together, she’ll often give him an incredulous look, reminding him that people _can_ see his reaction. She is much better at nodding placidly and reserving her judgment until later.

They are sat diagonally across from each other at the massive conference table for the county-wide meeting. Alec has barely comprehended a word – he’ll be grateful for the minutes of the meeting that get emailed to him later on. Ellie seems to be doing a bit better, even taking notes of her own.

Toward the end of the meeting, he notices her become a bit restless. She shifts around in her seat uncomfortably, occasionally wincing. Her nerves must be getting the best of _her_ as well.

When finally it ends, the both of them are caught in an impromptu follow-up in the hallway with the DI and DCI from Weymouth CID. Alec has his hands in his pockets, very obviously uninterested in the conversation, but Ellie is listening. Occasionally smiling. At one point, she surreptitiously reaches out and squeezes his wrist, reminding him to stay present.

But then suddenly, mid-sentence, Ellie freezes. Her eyes focus somewhere on the wall behind him and she frowns before mumbling, “So sorry, excuse me,” and running off.

The sudden, uncontrollable need to wee?

Definitely pregnant.

He sighs and tries to listen to the endless droning on of the blokes from Weymouth.

*

Her knickers are covered in blood, some of it having seeped into her trousers. She sits on the toilet for a long while, staring at the door of the stall, unsure what to do next. It’s not clear just how much blood is in the toilet bowl and she doesn’t want to look.

The door to the ladies’ room opens and Ellie hears the clicking of high heels.

“…Who’s just come in?” She feels unbelievably weird asking the question.

“Um, it’s Jessica.”

Ellie waits until she hears the toilet flush next door, then says, “Jessica, it’s Ellie. Could you do me a favor and get DCI Hardy in here please?”

Jessica is washing her hands. “DCI Hardy? In _here_?”

“Just ask him to come please.”

“…All right.”

She listens to Jessica leave, then waits.

*

Alec is grateful to be pulled away from the Weymouth blokes.

“She needs me in the Ladies’?” Alec confirms.

Jessica shrugs. “What she said.”

He walks briskly down the hall and knocks on the ladies’ room door. “Uh. Ellie?”

“Come in, there’s no one else,” she calls back.

He steps inside. She’s in the accessible stall at the end.

“You all right?”

“Go to my office please and get my change of clothes,” she replies firmly. “And a plastic bag.”

He stands there, still. “And a – “

Ellie sighs. “Just go please!”

He nods. “Just a minute.”

As he walks to her office, he realizes she must have gotten her period. No pregnancy, no menopause! Not a bad outcome, perhaps the best possible outcome.

He finds her change of clothes and a plastic bag in her little cupboard. He returns to the ladies’ room and locks the door behind him this time.

“Just me,” he says.

She unlocks the stall door. When he opens it, she’s standing there, unclothed from the waist down. There’s blood on the floor, on her clothing, and in the toilet. The evidence combined with the look on her face tells him that this is not her period.

They simply look at each other for a moment. Alec is unsure what the question is that he needs to ask. Ellie has no idea how to put to words what has happened.

Finally, she says, “…Looks like I _was_ pregnant.”

Pregnant.

Was pregnant.

Was.

She looks to the toilet bowl, then back to him. “You can see it there. If you want. Sort of a…tissue-y blob. Like a blood clot.”

He has no time to consider whether or not he actually _wants_ to look. He just does. He says nothing.

She takes the change of clothing from him and begins to get dressed. He takes the plastic bag and shoves her soiled trousers and knickers into it. Then he ties it up.

“Do you want to – wash, or should I – “

“Bin it,” Ellie says decisively. “Grab me a sanitary napkin from that basket by the basin?”

He nods. First he dumps the plastic bag into the large lined bin, then he grabs a sanitary napkin and brings it back to her. He stands there helplessly as she gets herself sorted. Then, after a breath passes between them, she flushes the toilet. They awkwardly step out of the stall together, standing near the counter.

Looking at him, her mouth opens as if it’s occurring to her only now. “I was pregnant,” she says again, flummoxed.

He reaches for her hand first and then, with his other hand, her waist, and pulls her into him. They wrap their arms around each other tightly and do not say a word.

After a few moments, there’s a knock on the ladies’ room door. Without thinking about it, Alec instantly replies, “Just a minute!”

 _His_ voice bellowing out from inside the ladies’ room must have given some lucky woman a shock. Ellie almost laughs. But then she just nuzzles into him further. He rubs her back, making slow, soothing circles with the palm of his hand.

“El,” he says softly.

“Yeah.”

He kisses her temple and continues to hold her. “You know I need to take you to hospital, yeah?”

She nods against his chest.

“Just in case it didn’t all – come out or there’s a - ”

“I’m not fighting you,” she replies, quiet but incredulous.

“Right.”

Neither moves. He strokes her hair. She’s not crying and neither is he. Shock and overwhelmed are the only feelings easily decipherable at the moment.

He kisses her temple again. “I love you,” he says simply.

She squeezes him tighter.

“Are you still bleedin’?”

She nods.

“We need to go then. Come on.”

*

Is it possible that he’s relieved?

After a night of panic, of living inside the fear of losing Ellie, he feels like he’s been granted some sort of reprieve.

She’s okay. Bleeding more than he’d like (zero is his preferred amount), but okay nonetheless.

He sends her straight to the car while he gathers her things for her. He sees the pregnancy tests in her purse and quickly discards them into the bin so she does not have to be reminded. Then he pulls aside Katie, who would oddly enough be the ranking detective present in their absence, and informs her that they have a family emergency to attend to and will likely be gone the rest of the day. Katie does not ask questions. Had it been Ellie who’d told her, she would have asked questions, no doubt. Ellie has a reputation for being much more forthcoming than he is, for better or for worse.

In the car, Ellie asks him to call Dr. Sinclair, her OB-GYN, before they drive to hospital. If there’s an opening, she’d feel better going straight to him. After a short wait on the phone, Sinclair’s receptionist says he will move a few appointments around and see her right away.

Alec holds her hand as he drives. Ellie stares out the window. They don’t say a word.

They are sent to wait in a familiar exam room at Sinclair’s practice. Ellie, with a fair amount of difficulty given the bleeding, changes into a paper gown and sits on the exam table. Alec pulls up a chair next to her. He is reminded, by strong memories, of all the times they waited exactly this way when she was pregnant with Aila. All the time she’s already spent being poked and prodded and invaded. Last time, it was worth it for the child they were rewarded with. Now, all Alec can think of is Ellie having to endure so much pain and discomfort for…what, exactly? Because the universe saw fit to have them conceive a child only to have it taken away before they were even _aware_ of it?

Dr. Sinclair enters the room with a clipboard and a sad, sympathetic smile. “Hello, Ellie. Alec.”

They both nod in his direction.

“Thanks for seein’ us,” Alec says. He’s not one to offer pleasantries without goading from Ellie. But he truly is grateful to Sinclair for saving them from a trip to hospital, with all the waiting and the cold indifference.

“I understand you believe you’ve miscarried,” Sinclair says, pulling a rolling stool up to the exam table.

Ellie nods. “I know I have.”

Alec often tries to forget that she has gone through this before roughly twelve years ago. It was a very different circumstance then, of course – she’d been almost three months pregnant and the miscarriage had been agony for both her and Joe.

Sinclair gently guides her into the stirrups and settles in to examine her.

Alec hates this part. Has always hated this part. He cannot seem to get over how inhuman it must be to be invaded this way, both with hands and various tools. She always bears it with great dignity and calm. She is amazing.

After a few moments, Sinclair backs away and lets Ellie put her knickers on again. He hands her another sanitary napkin, this one much thicker. He gives her a moment, scribbling things down on his chart. Alec just sits there, helplessly, and watches.

Once she’s seated again, he returns to them. “The miscarriage is not complete, I’m sorry to say. There’s still some tissue that needs to be removed.” He sits down again. “We have a few options. One is a D&C – we’ll surgically remove the tissue. The other is medication, which will help you pass the remaining tissue at home. The third is simply to wait it out, see if it happens naturally.”

“D&C,” Ellie says without hesitation. “I don’t want to prolong this.”

She doesn’t look at Alec, but he nods. Whatever she wants.

“That would be my recommendation as well, given the extent of your bleeding at the moment,” Sinclair agrees. Then he picks up the chart again. He hesitates briefly before asking “Did you… _know_ you were pregnant?” _He_ certainly has no record of it.

Ellie shakes her head, no.

“We were goin’ to take a home test this mornin’ actually,” Alec says.

Sinclair nods. “Any idea how far along you might’ve been?”

Ellie shakes her head again. “Morning sickness began a few days ago. But we --- no. Can’t have been very far though.”

More writing on the chart. “Have you two been… _trying_ for another baby?”

They both immediately respond with too-enthusiastic variations on _no_.

“Good,” Sinclair says. “I’d not recommend it.”

They have no idea how to respond to this, so they do not.

“Ellie, let’s you and I schedule an appointment after this to discuss birth control options for you now.”

“All right.”

“Are you still breastfeeding?”

“Yes.”

“And I take it your period hasn’t returned.”

“No.”

He writes that down, then stands.

Ellie is prepped for the procedure and given a local anesthetic. Alec stays in the room at his own insistence. It goes more quickly than he would have thought and he realizes that essentially what he is witnessing is an abortion, reframed. When it’s over, they’re told that Ellie will need to remain under observation for about an hour or so before she is allowed to go home. To his surprise, she actually falls asleep. Or else pretends to be asleep.

When Sinclair returns, he tells them, fairly obviously, that Ellie is to take it easy for a few days. _No heavy-lifting_ , as it were. She can pick up Aila, he says, but not Fred. That, it seems, is the distinction. She’ll bleed for a while, mostly spotting or something akin to a medium period. It should not last longer than two weeks maximum, and if it does, she is to come see him right away. Cramps will continue for a few days – ibuprofen ought to do the trick. They are not to resume sexual activity for about two weeks, until the cervix closes up again.

While Ellie changes back into her street clothes, Alec sends a text to Molly, asking her to take Aila out for a few hours. He knows well that if Aila sees them come home, she will throw a fit if Molly tries to take her away from them.

They return to a newly empty house. Ellie immediately goes upstairs to shower. Alec puts the kettle on to prepare them both cups of tea. She comes downstairs in yoga pants and a t-shirt and finds him on the couch, both mugs placed on the coffee table, plus a small plate of biscuits.

“How d’you feel?”

She stops walking and just stares for a moment. “…I’ve no idea. Do you?”

He shakes his head. Then she sits on the couch, wedged between his body and the arm of the couch, swinging her legs up onto his lap. He gives her her mug and she cradles it in her hands before taking a sip. Instinctively, he starts massaging her feet and her ankles.

“Are you in pain?”

“A bit,” she replies. “Normal sort of cramp feeling.”

“Can get you a hot water bottle.”

She shakes her head. “Thanks, love, I’m fine here.” She takes a sip and savors it. “Strange, isn’t it.”

Somehow he knows exactly what she means. He nods, focusing on the feet in his lap.

“Just hours ago I was pregnant. And now…”

He looks up, squeezing her ankle.

“Just hours ago we were having a baby,” she says.

There’s a pause, then he says, “…We weren’t though, were we?”

This is a crucial moment, he knows. A moment when they’ll both find out how they’ve actually been feeling.

“No,” she says softly. “Not really.”

“D’you feel a…loss?”

He watches her warily.

“I feel…” She tilts her head, thinking about it rationally. Trying to catalogue the feelings and sensations in her body. “I feel unsatisfied, I think. Like I started a sentence and never finished it. Or like I’m reviewing a cold case. Maybe like the opposite of a question without an answer. We’ve just had an answer to a question we didn’t have.”

He is wildly and massively overwhelmed with love for her in this moment, for reasons he cannot explain.

“Yes,” he agrees, running his hands up and down her calves. “…Did we actually lose somethin’? Can you lose somethin’ you didn’t know you had?”

Ellie nods, understanding. “I think you can. But I don’t think _we_ did.”

They stare at each other for a moment, both unsure how to phrase the question they feel they now need answered from the other. Alec speaks first, believing that her answer is the one that matters most in this scenario.

“What would you have wanted to do? If we knew we were pregnant.”

She smiles at him. For two reasons. One, that he’s recognized that her needs and her body come first. Two, that he knows and believes without question that _we_ were pregnant. This is an experience they are _sharing_.

She reaches for his hand, needing to hold it when she tells him. She feels herself averting her gaze in preparation, then forces her eyes to meet his. “I think I’d have wanted an abortion.”

To her surprise, he doesn’t look away. He lets her words sink in, then he nods slowly. “Yes. That’s the right thing, I think.”

Her eyes widen a bit, both astonished and moved. “Really?”

“It’s the right thing for us,” Alec says, trying to speak slowly and carefully, to choose his words. “I don’t think we’re meant to have another baby.”

Moisture begins to build up in her eyes. “No, I agree, I agree.”

“I love everythin’ about our daughter – “

“ _Everything_ ,” Ellie agrees tearfully.

“And I would not change a thing about how she came to us or even how unprepared we were.”

“No,” she agrees again.

“I’m grateful every day for her, but this is not the same thing. Just because we are physically and financially able to have a baby does not mean we should. Just because we got pregnant…it doesn’t mean we’re meant to have another child,” he says, uncovering his thoughts in the moment. “A pregnancy is biology, it’s a physiological --- it’s not a child, a pregnancy is not a child.”

“Unless you want it to be.”

“Unless you want it to be, right.”

A massive weight has been lifted from her, he can see it in her body, can see the way she relaxes, releases tension in her muscles. Seized by the urge to be even closer to her, he leans down, wedging himself between Ellie and the back of the couch, pulling her into him. She’s smiling. She lays a hand on his cheek and he kisses her. She keeps the hand there.

“I’m so relieved it happened this way,” Ellie says, with an exhale. “Of course it would have been better not to have been pregnant at all, but – “

“If you are, I am.” It’s _her_ body that’s been ravaged. It’s hard for him to feel relief that she’s had to suffer through this.

“I’m relieved we never had to make the choice.”

“I know.” He kisses her forehead.

“And honestly I’m so relieved we’re of the same mind on this.” She strokes his face lightly. “I really thought there was a chance you’d – that you’d be glad if I was pregnant, that you’d want this.”

“Well. It _did_ keep me up at night,” he admits.

She chuckles softly. “That I do know.”

“Certainly there was a part of me that thought, _maybe_. That recognized the pros as well as the cons. But it doesn’t feel right,” Alec tells her. “All I want are Daisy, Tom, Fred, and Aila. They feel right, they _are_ right.”

“Yes.” She touches her forehead to his. They’ll both allow for this tiny bit of sentimentality and cliché, given the moment. They’re glad for it.

“And truthfully, El, I cannot bear the thought of havin’ you any less than I already do.”

She smiles. “You have me almost all of the time.”

“ _Yeah_.” He smiles back. “And it’s not enough.”

Ellie closes her eyes, the smile remaining on her face.

“I never, ever tire of you.” He says it without any dryness, no guile whatsoever. It feels like the most truthful thing he’s ever said. So much so that he feels like he has to undercut it. “You do annoy me on quite a regular basis. But I’d still choose one single moment with you over absolutely anythin’ else.”

She opens her eyes, her smile widening into a grin. “Over the finest scotch in all the land?”

“Every bottle of it.”

“Over every Le Carre novel?”

“Over even _one_ Le Carre novel,” he replies. “I’d never read another book again for only one moment with you.”

Somehow, snuggled tightly together within the small confines of the couch, they have never been more comfortable. The hand he has roaming her back and side travels down to her stomach, absently caressing back and forth before he remembers what they’ve just lost. But she doesn’t seem to mind and upon further thought, neither does he. It’s not a loss, he reminds himself. It never really belonged to them in the first place. Was never meant to be theirs.

She plants a kiss on his lips. “My sweet love.”

They remain quiet for several minutes, breathing in time, letting the last many hours wash over them and settle.

“El.” He traces her jaw. “D’you want to…tell anyone? Do you want to…share this, or…”

“I think we should keep it to ourselves,” Ellie replies, as if she’d been thinking about exactly the same thing. “I think this is ours. Yours and mine. I don’t need to share it with anyone.”

He’d thought maybe she’d want to talk about it with Lucy or Beth. But he’s glad to hear her say otherwise. Keeping things between the two of them is his preferred course of action, always. He truthfully feels very protective of every secret that connects them, of all the things no one knows but them.

“Good.” He nods.

“Including the kids,” Ellie adds.

“Okay,” he agrees. “That’s right, I think, there’s nothin’ that comes from tellin’ them, good or bad.”

“No need to make them feel sad or uncomfortable over something that will have no impact on them.”

“We won’t tell them then.”

“What we need to do is have a conversation about perhaps a more…permanent type of birth control,” Ellie says, biting her lip nervously.

“Right, okay.” He shifts a bit, but still holds her close. “If that’s something you want to do.”

“Me?” Ellie nearly bursts out laughing. “I’ve done enough. It’s your turn.”

He stares at her. Then it dawns on him. “Oh.”

“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m _ever_ having something elective done to my reproductive system.”

He exhales. “You want me to have a vasectomy.”

“I think it’s something to seriously consider, yeah,” Ellie tells him. “We’ve had two unplanned pregnancies in two years, and I was _pregnant_ for eight months of that time. We don’t have an impressive track record. I’d really prefer to leave my body alone at this point, and I’m sure you prefer I not even bring condoms into the conversation.”

Alec recoils, frowning deeply.

“That’s what I thought.”

Not once in their two years together have they ever used a condom. He sure as hell is not allowing that to start _now_.

“All right,” he says finally. “I’ll make an appointment on Monday.”

“Wouldn’t it be nice,” Ellie says, cozying up to him even more. “If by the time we’re actually allowed to have sex again, you’ve already gotten it done?”

“You want me to get a vasectomy within the next two weeks.”

The look on her face when she replies is impossibly cute, he must grudgingly admit. “Yes, I do.”

He brushes her hair back behind her ear. “All right.”

After a while, Alec suggests some telly but Ellie is not interested. She’s starting to doze, still vaguely under the influence of the anesthetic. She insists they have themselves a kip here on the sofa.

“The kids’ll be home in a while,” Alec says. “And they’ll ask questions if they catch us out here.”

Ellie yawns. “Say we had dentist appointments. And took the rest of the day off.”

She’s quick. Unnervingly so. But he agrees and they doze off together there on the sofa.

*

A cacophony of sound wakes them up around 5pm, when Molly returns home with Aila and Fred.

Fred catches a glimpse of them of the sofa and lets out of shriek full of surprise and glee. “YOU’RE HOME!” He exclaims, running toward them the second his shoes are off. He climbs onto them as they reorient themselves drowsily.

“Ow.” Ellie winces.

“Mind your mother,” Alec says automatically. “Be gentle now.”

“Why?” Fred asks. “Still got a funny tummy, Mummy?” He laughs hysterically at himself.

Meanwhile, Aila is squealing in Molly’s arms, clapping her little hands. Alec and Ellie both try to work themselves into a seated position, but Fred keeps them pinned down. Molly brings a bouncy Aila over to them and transfers her down. Aila sits on Ellie’s chest, slapping her breasts happily. 

“Why are you home!” Fred demands to know.

“Uh.” Alec is still trying to maneuver himself into sitting position, to no avail. “Had to go to the dentist.”

Fred scowls. “I hate the dentist!”

“Yayayayayaya,” Aila says, then loses her balance and face plants on Ellie’s chest.

Molly smiles at them, a giant Hardy family pile up. “I’ll see you Monday,” she says.

“Thank you, Molly!” Ellie calls after her.

“Say goodbye to Molly,” Alec says to Fred.

“BYE, MOLLY!”

Roughly seven hours earlier, Ellie was bleeding on the ladies’ room floor at CID. And life goes on.

“Daddy, come on, let’s go play football outside,” Fred says.

Alec looks at Ellie, then replies, “Really ought to get a start on supper, lad.”

Ellie can’t stop grinning at the way her son is grinning at his father. “I’ll sort takeaway for us.”

“All right then,” Alec agrees. “Careful of your mother as you get up.”

Fred is very careful crawling over Ellie and onto the floor.

After placing a very large order for Mexican food, Ellie joins them outside, sitting on the back patio with Aila nursing at her breast. Aila holds onto Ellie’s finger and stares up at her with wide eyes as she nurses.

“Hello, my gorgeous girl.” Ellie smiles back down at her.

She hears a noise from inside the house, then Tom comes out through the sliding glass doors.

“Oi, who’s winning then?!”

Tom immediately runs past Ellie and Aila out to the yard to join the game. Aila kicks her legs excitedly at the sound of Tom’s voice.

“Happy to see big brother, are we?”

Aila unlatches and smiles at her. Ellie sits her up on her lap so she can watch the boys play.

“Just wait ‘til you’re out there with ‘em,” she says. “You’ll show ‘em all a thing or two, eh?”

*

Ellie sits on the edge of the bed, holding her pyjamas on her lap. She stares straight ahead, eyes glazed over. When Alec emerges from the loo after his shower, towel-clad from the waist down, it takes him a few moments before he notices she is motionless. He pulls on his pyjama bottoms and watches her.

“El.”

Her head jerks to the side.

“You all right?”

She blinks. Then stands. “Going to take a shower.”

He frowns as she walks past him. “Another one?”

She doesn’t respond. He hears the shower turn on again.

She’s in there for twenty minutes, despite the fact that her hair is still damp from her earlier shower. When she comes out in her towel, he’s lying on his side of the bed, squinting at his mobile.

“Put your glasses on,” she says simply, finding her pyjamas again.

He sighs and reaches for them on the nightstand. When she finally gets into bed beside him, he puts away both the glasses and the mobile, turning to her.

“How’s the bleedin’?”

She shrugs. “Not terrible. But I’ve been bleeding since I was thirteen years old, it’s strange how you get used to it.”

“And the cramps?”

“Took a few Advil half an hour ago.”

They’d had a shockingly lovely evening, with three out of four children. Tom had managed to restrain himself from going out, perhaps sensing something a bit off in his parents. They’d even played a few board games after supper, followed by two episodes of _The Mandalorian_. But now it all seems to be flooding back to Ellie, the memories of earlier in the day, only twelve hours earlier, realizing there was a miscarried fetus in the toilet bowl. The image keeps returning to her now that the kids – the ultimate distraction – have gone to bed.

The sight of the blood on the floor returns to Alec as well. But this is the man who laid awake for most of the previous evening terrified of losing the love of his life. Though he is still somewhat in shock and quite shook by the circumstances that befell them today, he is more than anything grateful she is more or less healthy. Her continued health is his priority.

He opens an arm out to her and she settles against him, head on his chest. Together they are quiet for a while.

Then she says, “I had a thought.”

“A whole thought?” He quips at her. “Bit sudden.”

She smiles, then waits a bit. “I thought I might go back to my therapist.”

He feels his whole body stiffen. “Oh.”

She’s absently rubbing his chest now, keeping her head against his shoulder, not looking at him. “Just to help me organize my thoughts, you know? My feelings about things. With so much always going on…”

He purses his lips then replies, “I can help you organize your thoughts.”

“No,” she says quietly. “You are among my thoughts.”

Well that certainly doesn’t make him feel any better.

“Not in a bad way. But there’s a reason therapists exist, you know. Outside of our friends and family,” Ellie tells him. “It’s important sometimes to have an impartial ear. And, you know, one that is trained in such matters.”

He is quiet until she continues.

“It’s been a very busy two years, in case you’ve not noticed. A wonderful two years. But there’s lots that is jumbling around in my head and I just think I’d like to sort it all out.”

Alec nods slowly. “All right then.”

She squeezes him tighter and lets out a long exhale.

“…You’ll still tell me everythin’, yeah?” He asks uncertainly.

“Course,” Ellie answers easily, kissing his chest. “Always tell you everything.”

In that case he is still not certain what exactly she needs a therapist for. But if that’s what she wants...

After another bit of quiet she speaks again. “You know. Much as things have worked out for the better, even though losing this pregnancy was very much the right thing for us, it’s still okay for it to be…difficult. To process. It’s okay to wonder _what if_ or _why_.”

He rubs her back absently as she speaks, considering her words.

“It was terrifying. For me, anyway.”

“No.” He nods in agreement. “For me too.”

“So there you are then.” She finally tilts her head upward to look at him. “I’m very glad not to be pregnant, not to be having another baby. But a living thing was still ripped from my body violently and without warning.”

His face contorts with pain and with concern for her.

“I need to sort that for myself,” she says, with an air of definitiveness.

He nods. “Yes, all right.”

“It’s still ours,” Ellie assures him. “My therapist will be the only other person who knows and she’s a neutral party. This is still just yours and mine.”

He nods again, then kisses her temple. “I love you.” His voice cracks unexpectedly as he speaks the words. “I love you so much.”

She settles on top of his chest again. “I love you too.”

He reaches over and switches off the lamp on his bedside table.

“And you’re still getting that vasectomy,” she says in the darkness. And then, softly, “I don’t want to get pregnant again, Alec.”

She says it with such a stark combination of fear, anxiety, and honesty that he nearly doesn’t recognize the sound of her voice. It seems like such an obvious thing. To be forty-four years old with four children and not wish to be pregnant again. Obvious and reasonable. But for her it’s something more now. It’s terror. It’s _dread_.

“I promise,” he says. It feels weak and very much not enough. But it’s what he can do.

The things her body must go through. Things he’ll never be able to understand. It pains him to think about.

Yes. Perhaps a therapist makes sense.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Miscarriage (only slightly graphic, light angst, mostly happy ending)
> 
> Please, if you're concerned, feel free to message me on Tumblr - @bitboozy - and I can answer any questions or summarize the chapter so you don't feel you've missed something if you need to skip it for your own mental health.


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